A NEW CHAPTER
A year ago, I left Instagram to see what life was like without it. More honestly, I wanted to see if I could live well without being consumed by it. At the same time, I was in the throes of doing some “heavy lifting” and working on myself. I was carrying a lot of baggage and unprocessed trauma (still am) and it was time to look it directly in the eyeballs.
After spending a couple of week in an intensive behavioral therapy workshop, I knew that the thing I needed was more space. Space in my head, my heart, my schedule and my soul. My life was cluttered with things that seemed like really living and I knew that I needed to break free from what I’d always done in the hopes of meeting me.
You can read about that experience in the desert in these posts (1, 2, 3, 4).
Instagram with Intention?
I know that I made Instagram seem like it was my problem. Their algorithm, the ads, the lost hours of scrolling - consuming and comparing myself and my life to others on the internet. I knew I was doing this when I was on the sabbatical, but anyone who knew me “in the real world” also knew that I would often talk about Instagram in a longing way. I missed some pieces and parts of the creativity I felt when posting stories and reels - it was silly and fun. The darker parts of my experience with the app is all “inner room” work.
It’s the time and attention I need to give to dealing with myself.
And that’s what the time away from the app has made clear…
It was the way I was using Instagram that needed to be addressed. Just like the way I consume alcohol, sugar, entertainment and even the way I date (a story - or series of stories for another time). The break gifted me with time to linger in the mirror at myself. To get curious and real about what led me to handle myself the way I had been. And why I struggled to live in alignment with my values.
On August 4th, my son and I marked the 20th anniversary of my first husband (Chad’s) death. TWENTY YEARS. In that time period, I’ve experienced a lot of stretching and strife and until very recently realized that I’ve been torturing and neglecting myself because of the way I navigated those two decades. I have a lot of embarrassment and shame about the things I did and the boundaries I either didn’t set or enforce. Looking back though, I can also see clear how tough I was while also remaining soft (hearted).
Instagram was a low-stakes, free way for me to connect with other people and find experiences in the world that I wouldn’t get living my introverted - I truly am an introvert - homebody lifestyle. While I enjoy going and doing things, I truly enjoy the quiet, comfort of my home far more. I mean far, far more.
When reflecting on the past twenty years, I noticed in my body that I was holding tension, sleeping poorly and numbing in through over consumption of things that aren’t keeping the creative, light-filled version of myself at the top of my priority list. I started checking Instagram on my desktop and assessing how I felt after leaving the app. I would talk about it with people who know my history with Instagram (and my history in peopling). And it wasn’t until I was preparing for my website relaunch meeting, that I came across the Insta profile of a woman who I’d followed for years, but had grown confused by.
You’ll learn more about her when reading the next several posts, but it was exactly what I needed when I looked at her bare bones website and found THE CREATIVE RESET course for $47. It was what I needed…
I have been feeling down and unsure about my next steps outside of work and knew that the next thing needed to be something that aligned with the work I’m doing and the path I’m on. I bought the course on the appeal of getting some guidance on a different type of reset, but when I saw this on the intro page, I knew it was for me to begin the very next day.
It was the words DESIRE and INTENTION that made me pause, re-read and then exhale.
I guessed that part of the accountability would take place on Instagram since you could not purchase the document without sharing your Insta handle, so that was less surprising, but definitely gave me pause.
See, I’ve been kind off in a different world this past year. I so very much appreciated narrowing the ways people could communicate with me and the presence I regained only taking photos and videos that I wanted to (instead of “doing it for the Gram”). You might say - you can say it - I was a little haughty about my ability to take such a long break from Instagram. I know I was a bit ick. And I’m earnestly a bit nervous about ending up where I was - fully entrenched and attached to the underbelly of this and other social media platforms.
But, this 90-day experience of restarting my creativity is what I want and need, so I’m going to go for it in a space where I’ve stepped away from to test if I can do it in a healthier way than I’ve done in the past. This isn’t about Instagram or anyone else, it’s about me.
I’ve been wondering what the next chapter on my journey to self-love and self-discovery are and I think this is it.
THE CREATIVE RESET & REST
The reason this feels so in alignment for me at this time is because the woman who created this document challenged me. Her life and willingness to live outside of the norms of being a single, Black woman felt like a threat to me. I would follow and unfollow her profile many times over several years because her willingness to name her deepest desires and then pursue them was “too much” for me - at the time. It intimidated me.
I couldn’t in good conscious, watch her develop this content and share so vulnerably - with healthy boundaries - and not want to change. She was free and was living a fulfilling, big, joyful, bold and impactful life.
I was hiding. Jealous, limited in my beliefs and stuck in fear. I attached my belief in myself about doing big, bold things to my roles related to others; never to and for myself. And in everything that Glo Antanmo (@glographics) was sharing with us was pricking my heart.
It wasn’t clear to me then, but it’s so clear to me now - it was an invitation, not a threat. I was being invited to awaken and embrace my multi-talented, multi-passionate, purpose marked, beautiful soul. Thankfully, I’m more ready than I was a year ago.
And though I do not plan to approach this app the same way I have before, I do plan to bring you all along on the journey.
Because I am heading into a busy season at work, I do plan to do the daily tasks, but have already given myself permission to do this in a way that is authentic to and for me. That essentially means that I will be doing the tasks with intentional room for rest and recovery.
After glancing ahead at a few of the challenges and the re-adjustment to Instagram on a daily basis, I’m measuring success as doing the work in a way that aligns with my deepest desires, being in alignment with my values and being kind and gentle with myself. I know that there will be those who have a response to me returning to the platform (or in the way I’m planning to return) so there will need to be space for feeling what I need to so that I can respond with love. It’s only a sign that they are likely where I was when watching Glo live loudly and generously on the internet.
I am excited about the invitation.
I am excited about the journey.
I am ready for this new chapter.
